Saturday, July 18, 2015

Hello! I'm coming up for air...

Hello! How have you been? It’s been months since I’ve been able to hop onto the blog. Life happened. I’ve been toiling away at another job, a job that’s rewarding but all-consuming and often exhausting. It’s been chipping away at my own reserves of patience and vibrance, getting me to push my own boundaries and buttons.

Warning: This is may turn out to be a rant, a much needed one. 

The active and adorable toddler at play...

After months of giving it my all with hardly any time to come up for air, to replenish my ‘well’, I’m wondering how to fit my own passions and aspirations into this rigorous 24 x 7 schedule of taking care of an active 2-year-old on almost a single-parenting position (I say almost because while I have a wonderful husband, his work defending the boundaries of the nation keeps him away from home most of the time).

Pegged back into the ancient role of the one who stays back in the cave, gathering food and looking after the children while the man goes out to hunt, I’m torn between what I need to give of myself to this phase of life and what I want to do. While I’m grateful for each day with my son, I’m also feeling all bound up with the needs and nature of a toddler who always and always needs to be in the same orbit as his mum, clinging to her pyjamas, tugging at her arm, howling away to be picked up, and waking up crying from his nap/sleep when I nip off for a few minutes to attend to another short task. And he howls even harder if I even think of getting a babysitter for a couple of hours, so I can get some work done.

All along I’ve known this – I need to replenish my reserves and nourish my own interests so I can be a better mother. I guess there might be others who can be the most cheerful moms without refueling themselves, but I surely need a healthy dose of time for myself to function well, to give my best to my family, to be a the person I’m supposed to be.

But strangely, between the grueling schedule of my husband’s work and my toddler’s need to have his mother beside him ALL the time, there’s nothing left for me. Not even a stray scrap of time. Just stolen moments, from here and there to read a book or glance at the many e-courses I’ve signed up for.

There are days when I’m ready to explode, to disintegrate into a million pieces, to fade into oblivion. Then there are days when I’m able to reign in all that yearning to write and study and nurture myself with just a beacon of hope that someday soon I’ll get some time to be. That someday I’ll get back to an active writing life, one hour at a time. That someday I’ll re-launch my health coaching business. That someday I’ll be able to go to the bathroom without an audience. That someday I’ll be able to cook a meal without someone howling near my knees. That someday I can wake up early in the morning to do yoga and write my blog without a 1-foot tall person scrambling up from his sleep and crying for me.

But within this chaotic phase, within the span of early motherhood, this is what I’ve been able to fit in, one tiny bit at a time:

I’ve been reading a LOT. Fiction and non-fiction. Children's books and my own books. 

I’ve been doing coloring pages for grown-ups. It’s been therapeutic and lovely to be indulging my love for colors.

I’ve been studying online sitting next to my napping toddler.

I’ve been gardening with my toddler, planting veggies and tending to indoor plants.

I’ve been cooking and baking a lot (with a lot of tugging at my pyjamas and bouts of howling).

I’ve been dreaming of ways to fit in microvolunteering and helping those around me.

What have the past months been like for you?

#motherhood #toddler

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