Wednesday, January 21, 2015

This is why…



Almost every time I hop onto my blog, I’m writing an apology, an explanation, rooting for a reason. But then some seasons of life are like that. Choc-a-bloc. Full of the minutiae of daily living and single-parenting.
Packed with uncertainty (if you are a military spouse, you have LOTS of days like that). Etched with a sense that something is amiss. Painted with helplessness, the kind where the dailyness of living is pulling you into its quicksand.

I like to stay content and grateful for what I have, but a stack of these kinds of days rob me of my joy for the simple. After mowing through days like this, I often wonder if the ‘me’ is hibernating for this season. If it’ll ever get to sneak out. If the only chance I’ll ever get to make time for what I love, what I need to do to fulfill my aspirations, will come many years later, when my son grows up and the husband retires (‘coz with the military comes a stack load of Stepford wife duties, long months of single parenting & an even heavier load of uncertainty).

But really, I can’t wait for that long. I can’t wait to be an empty nester before I find time to nurture some of my passions.

And I can’t be that gal who laments the loss of joy or grudges others theirs.

I’d rather be that kind of person, who grabs a few hours every day (if I’m lucky, if I’m disciplined) to nourish her soul and her body, and then be joyful for her family. I know the word balance is overrated, but I’d like to offer something to myself – time and knowledge and words, so I can offer a whole lot more to my people.

I know a lot of women parent their children and look after their families without tanking up, but I can’t do that. I can’t function on an empty stomach or on an empty soul.

My needs are more than meager. I need enough time to exercise when I wake up and then again through the day. I need to cook and eat nourishing meals. I have to write and create and learn. That’s a long list for a mom with a small child. It even sounds selfish. But If I don’t squeeze out that time for nourishing, the quality of my interactions with my family is anything but happy.

So with a lot of effort, I’m pulling myself out (again!) from the all-engulfing nature of daily living and slicing out tiny slivers of time. To tank up. To recharge. To energize. I’m studying and practicing yoga. I’m writing this blog post. I’m reading about healing.

Yes, it’s a struggle everyday to snatch those minutes to make time for what I love. And it’s with relief and gratitude that I lay my head on the pillow…on those days when I manage to grab that time to learn and write and exercise. (And it’s a war with time and chores and routine all over again, when I wake up the next morning).

But I’m going to soldier on.

I’m going to continue seeking out inspiration from those moms who do manage to make time for their own nurturing while being the primary caregivers to their kids.

I’m going to be true to myself without kowtowing to the painted image of a perfect mother.

I’m going to do what I need to do for myself without comparing myself to others (it’s so easy to feel that other moms are more successful, more have-it-all, more efficient…).

I’m also going to accept (or at least learn to) that maybe all my plans and my mile-long to-do list cannot be fitted into this season…this season with a small child and a husband who’s often away from home on call of duty. But that also doesn’t mean that I have to keep my gray cells in the freezer till I’m on the other side of menopause. It’s a little bit of give and take. Maybe even a lot of give and little bit of take ;-).

But every single day I’ll endeavor to put self-nourishment on the blueprint. Every day, I’ll wrestle with the routine to tear out snatches of time. Every day, I’ll do something to fill up my soul, nurture by body, buzz up my mind.

How do you make time for what nourishes you?

#timeformom


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